It's Been A Long Time Since I Came Around
by cavlik97
Summary: Post 3x04 - Alex relapses and Sean finally answers his phone.


**A/N: After the amazing episode we got yesterday and because we have to wait 3 weeks until the next episode, here is a sort of post 3x05 one-shot. It's been a couple of weeks since "Consequences" so that's the timeline. **

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Nikita – if I did, Alex and Sean wouldn't be (sort of) on the outs. **

Alex awoke with a pounding head, a tight chest and a impossible mixture of numbness and blinding pain spreading through her body. Memories of being shot, being unable to go into the field and then ultimately, relapsing all whirled through her mind. After the mission with Owen and Amanda, her drugs intake had raised each day. She could tell that everyone else was suspicious that something was up and Nikita specifically had been watching her like hawk. Finally, she broke with an inevitable collapse in the middle of Operations. However, as she woke, the expectant smell of hand sanitizer and medicines was all absent. She'd expected to wake up inside the Division hospital but instead, she was lying on a far more comfortable bed, head sunken into an insanely soft pillow and a warm duvet was spread up to her shoulders. A comforting hand was being run through her hair which seemed to dull the insistent throbbing in her head. Still, she groaned when she opened one eye, light flooding her senses.

'Shhh, Alex, it's okay.'

Nikita's gentle voice filled Alex's hearing and her stiff form relaxed.

'Nikita...' she mumbled, rolling onto her back so she could see her mentor and friend sitting on the side of the bed she was in, anxiety all over her face.

'Where am I?' Alex asked, trying to sit up but collapsing back onto the pillows, worn out by the simple effort.

'Me and Michael's apartment,' said Nikita softly. 'Alex... what happened? You've been fine for so long – how did you just...?'

Nikita's voice was aghast but more than anything...it was disappointed. And _that _was what Alex couldn't take. Tears of regret and pain and self-horror rolled down her cheeks and she found Nikita's arms wrapping themselves around her, crying into the older's woman's shoulder.

'I'm so sorry,' she whispered. 'I'd been fighting it since I got shot – it was just really painful and then...' She sucked in a sharp breath. 'Nikita, Sean showed up. He's been wanting me to choose between him and Division for a while now and then he said that he loved me and he kissed me and...'

'Whoa, hang on, _what_?' Nikita interrupted, eyes wide. 'When did this happen?'

'After Amanda hacked the video into our system,' Alex said, cheeks flushing slightly in embarrassment. Nikita put a gentle hand on Alex's hurt shoulder, nodding to indicate Alex to continue.

'Sean left,' Alex said in barely a whisper, 'and my head was just spinning so I took _one _pill from the hospital medication cabinet. It was one of the painkillers that the doctors had offered to prescribe me but I refused, hoping to get through it without anything I could get hooked to. After that mission where Owen got injured...' Alex said in barely a whisper, 'I was fighting one of Amanda's men and he got the upper hand on me for a minute and my shoulder was killing me for the rest of the day so I took anotherpill.'

Nikita's eyes showed understanding – the situation was relatable and reasonable.

'My arm was still hurting with each day that passed,' Alex said hoarsely. 'Sean was still waiting for me to make a decision. Things with Amanda were piling up. I started taking more of the pills every day until...'

'Until what happened today,' Nikita finished with a sigh. 'It's okay,' she promised, rubbing Alex's back gently. 'Alex, 's gonna be okay. I'll help you again, okay? We've got Division this time, not just some cheap sauna at the basement of my loft. You'll be clean again in no time.'

'You don't know that,' Alex said negatively. 'I thought I was strong enough to never get back to this.'

'You can't predict what's going to happen in life,' Nikita said wisely. '_Especially _our lives. If I told you a year ago that Sean was going to confess his profuse love for you and you were going to kiss him in a Division hospital before relapsing, would you have believed me?'

The corners of Alex's mouth twitched upwards in a small smile but a surge of pain hit her head. She snapped her eyes shut, resting her head on her knees as she hissed out a wince.

'Want me to close the curtains?' asked Nikita but she was already up and at the window before Alex could answer. The older woman knew relapse well and Alex was confident that as always, Nikita was the best person to look after her in this state.

'Are you sure it's okay for me to stay with you?' Alex really didn't want to intrude on the newly engaged couple's private life, despite how crazy it sounded.

'You're kidding, right?' Nikita scoffed, unimpressed with Alex's attitude. 'I wouldn't let you be anywhere else.' She made her way to the edge of the bed, standing there slightly protectively. 'Alex,' she said and her tone reminded Alex startlingly of how her mother would say her name when she was ill and in bed.

'Yeah?' she murmured back, starting to wish she could drift back to sleep but the hammering pain was too evident.

'You said you'd do anything in the world for me.' Nikita's voice was a bit disbelieving as she repeated Alex's toast. 'I need you to know that I would do the same for you. You're going to get better.'

Alex managed a proper smile this time. 'Thank you,' she breathed tiredly.

Nikita made her way across the room, about to leave when Alex said something else suddenly.

'Can you do something for me?' she requested. Nikita paused, turning in curiosity.

'What do you need?'

Alex swallowed, hesitating before saying 'Can you please call Sean? And make sure your calls don't go straight to voicemail 'cause...' She squeezed her eyes shut. '...I really need to talk to him.'

'Of course,' Nikita said...and although Alex could no longer see her, she could hear the smile in her voice.

The second time Alex woke, she saw Sean sitting on an armchair by the bed, giving her a familiar boyish (yet anxious) smile when he noticed she was awake. His hands were clasped together tightly and he leaned forward in the chair, chewing nervously on his bottom lip.

'Nikita told me what happened,' he said quietly. 'Everything.'

'Please don't flatter yourself and take responsibility for this,' Alex muttered, relieved to find her sarcasticness had returned and her voice was stronger. 'It was everything piling up that led me to this – not your sudden, lovestruck confession.'

Sean laughed sheepishly, reaching out and linking his fingers in hers. 'I'll keep that in mind.' His eyes softened. 'Alex, tell me you're going to be okay,' he begged.

Alex was about to nod but remembered how the action tended to bring on a blinding headache, stopping herself and spoke instead.

'I promise,' she assured, picking up on the fact that her throat was still dry and sore. 'I've managed to get through particularly bad periods of being addicted twice now and – '

'Twice?' Sean interrupted, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. 'I know Nikita got you clean before you infiltrated Division but...when was the second time?'

'Quite a while through my Division infiltration,' Alex explained, stomach churning at the thought of that mission. 'I was an agent and I ended up getting kidnapped by Vlad, the sex trafficker who captured me after my father's death. He used drugs to tempt me and force me into a confession of who I really was.'

'Why was I never told about this?' demanded Sean.

'You never asked,' Alex answered, ignoring the faint pounding behind her ears. 'See? The first time Nikita got me clean, the second time Division did – even though the latter was through Amanda's terrifying and unorthodox methods. But now it's a mixture of both so I'll be perfectly fine after a while.'

At her words 'a mixture of both', Sean looked defeated and hurt. Alex suddenly realised what must've crossed his mind.

'Oh my God, Sean, I'm _not _choosing Division over you!' The words tumbled out of her both in a rush. She shook her head, brunette curls brushing over her pale cheeks. 'And I'm not choosing Nikita over you either. But you have to realise that I owe her my life. She's saved me so many times since Operation Pale Fire and she's cared about me more than anyone has in a very long time. She's my best friend... she's my family. I can't just leave her in this.'

'It's okay,' Sean said, stopping her with a squeeze of her hand. 'On my way over here after Nikita called, I couldn't help but realise what you just said. Nikita's your family. While my mother was alive, I never would've left her side and I can't expect you to either. I was being unreasonable. I'm sorry.'

'So am I,' Alex said. 'For pushing you away for so long.' She hung her head, a buried memory resurfacing. 'I was scared you would end up hurt...or dead.'

'Dead?' Sean echoed, again confused.

'There were two guys,' Alex explained, leaning back into the pillows and feeling the memories flash through her head in brief snapshots, 'before I met you. One was a friend of mine while I was recruit. He fell for me and I was starting to fall for him...when he found out that I was the mole inside Division. Nikita had been taken in and I was trying to help break her out. When Thom realised everything, he turned a gun on me. I fought him, managed to grab the gun and before I had a grip on what was happening, a shot had gone off and Thom was lying on the ground, blood pooling at his middle. I tried to save him and Nikita showed up, offering to take me out of Division with her but I told her I couldn't leave him. She let me stay and escaped. I took the card I'd stolen to get through Division and put it in Thom's jacket. I had to make him look like the mole and that I'd taken him out in order for me to stay undercover.'

Sean was evidently attentive, listening carefully.

'Killing Thom is what transferred me from recruit to agent. Once I was at agent status, I moved into my apartment. Nathan was a neighbour of mine. He was friendly from the beginning and was trying really hard to get to know me...which was sweet. We started talking properly and I guess we started becoming closer than was advised. Nikita was keeping a sharp eye on me, scared that this was going to turn into the same thing that happened with her and Daniel. She didn't want to see me get torn apart if Nathan was killed but later, she told me I had to give it a shot otherwise I wouldn't be living a life of my own at all. Nathan and I got together but my Division life caught up with me when another friend of mine from when I was a recruit, Jaden, also found out that I was working with Nikita. She confronted me at my apartment and she was armed. Nathan showed up and shot her, effectively saving my life but he was traumatised and shocked. I knew Jaden's tracker would've gone offline immediately and ordered Nathan to run, to leave the country and get _out. _I called Nikita and she said to create a story that would ensure that I still looked like the good guy.'

'You have a bad history of relationships,' Sean said with a sympathetic whistle.

'Yeah, well my first boyfriend was my dealer,' Alex said, eyes hardening. She sat up properly, turning so she could sit cross legged on the bed, facing him as she took a deep breath. 'I love you too Sean. Please don't doubt it for a minute. You said that you couldn't let Division destroy another person that you love...well neither can I. That's why I have to help Nikita bring in all the rogue agents and make sure Division isn't a threat so that we can all get on with our lives.'

Sean nodded, suddenly grinning for a second. 'Can I kiss you again?'

Alex laughed, groaning as her stomach cramped and her chest tightened. 'Maybe not now,' she advised. 'But can you stay?'

'Yeah,' he answered with a smile, shuffling the armchair closer to the bed. 'You know something, Alex?'

'Mm, what?'

'You're incredible.'

'So you seem to have told me many times...including that incident of you being hyped up on drugs – '

'Yeah, well, I meant every word,' Sean said with a roll of his eyes. 'But seriously. You're a force of nature...'

'Shut up, Sean,' Alex mumbled, burying her face in her hands.

'...and I love you.'

Alex uncrossed her legs to kick him (gently) out of his complete cheesiness but he grabbed her ankles, anchoring them in his lap. Alex felt, through all the pain and discomfort, her heart flutter and she realised with a start, she hadn't said the words in years –

'I love you too.'

**A/N: New chapter of Roommates will be up ASAP and hopefully, I can get up to speed in the three weeks of hiatus that we have :) So you guys know what to do: read and review.**


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